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China continues long line of ridiculous
mascots
Editor's note: This has absolutely nothing to do with the Air
Force, or the military. A few days ago, when China introduced their
Olympic mascots, it got me thinking ... from a long line of
ridiculous-looking mascots, which country holds the crown for best
looking mascot? Although I can't print images of the mascots
(something about trademarks and copyrights), you can perform a search
for the mascot using your preferred search engine (for your
convenience, I've provided a Google search box above).
By CHairforce.One
CHairforce.com Webmaster
On Nov. 11, China introduced their mascots for the 2008 Olympic Games.
The anime-style creatures -- which are cartoon-like representations of a
panda, fish, antelope, swallow and the Olympic flame -- resemble Cartoon
Network's Powerpuff Girls. I can actually see them zipping around the TV
screen, spewing out snappy little superhero phrases and bopping a large,
anime-style Godzilla on the snout.
Although the first modern Olympic Games started in Athens in 1896, the
first unofficial Olympic mascot was created for the 1968 Olympic Games
in Grenoble (France). The mascot was an odd-looking, human-like stick
figure on skis. The blue-headed mascot -- called "Schuss" -- was the
beginning of an extremely long line of pathetic Olympic mascots.
During the 1972 Olympics in Munich, Germany, the mascot got even
stranger with the creation of Germany's multi-colored canine mascot,
Waldi the Dachshund. Germany is a beautiful country with truckloads of
history, architecture, etc., yet they settled for a hotdog?
In 1976, the Games were held in Montreal, and Canada chose a furry,
buck-toothed mascot. No, it wasn't a Canadian woman, it was Amik the
Beaver. A beaver was selected to represent the world's most respected
sports contest.
If that wasn't bad enough, the Winter Games that same year in Innsbruck,
featured a snowman mascot. The snowman, called Schneemann, sported coal
eyes, a carrot nose, and a nerdy sheepherder-style hat. It was
also made with a single ball of snow. Even my 9-year-old sons
knows it takes three balls of snow, one smaller than the one below it,
to make a snowman.
The mascots didn't get any better when the Soviet Union hosted the 1980
Olympic Games in Moscow. The USSR chose a bear cub to represent the
event. Had the former-superpower created a muscle-bound Kodiak, they
would have hit the target; however, the Soviets stuck with the worn out
"cutie theme," creating Misha, a cuddly little bear cub.
The 1980 Winter Games held at Lake Placid, was America's first chance to
shine in the Olympic mascot arena ... they failed miserably with "Roni"
the raccoon. Apparently, a real raccoon (named "Rocky") was supposed to
be the mascot, but little Rocky died before the games could begin. To
memorialize the masked vermin, Olympic officials created Roni an
obviously homosexual, human-like replacement raccoon.
The U.S. redeemed itself in 1984, when the Olympic Games were held in
Los Angeles. Obviously sick of ugly, insane mascots, the Los Angeles
Games featured Sam the Eagle, a cute, but tough-looking bird of prey.
Would Sam the Eagle mark the beginning of decent Olympic mascots? Not if
Sarajevo and South Korea had anything to say about it ... and
unfortunately they "said" a lot.
During the '84 Winter Games in Sarajevo, Yugoslavians selected "Vucko"
as their Olympic Mascot. Although the wolf was at least a 7 on the
stupid scale, we give the Yugoslavians props for not choosing one of the
other prospective mascots, which included a snowball, a mountain goat, a
chipmunk, a lamb, and a porcupine.
During the 1984 Olympic Games. South Korea didn't do any better when
they offered up two poorly drawn, sad little tiger cub mascots, Hodori
and Hosuni ... picture the Soviet Bear cub, times two.
It got even worse four years later when the 1992 Olympics in Barcelona,
Spain, featured a shabby mountain sheep dog as the mascot. The canine,
called Cobi, got a big thumbs down.
Also in 1992, the Albertville Olympic Games
featured "Magique" the snow imp. Enough said.
In an effort to regain some Olympic pride, the 1994 Lillehammer Olympic
Games had the first people-like mascots. "Haakon and Kristin" were two
children from Norwegian folklore. They get an "B" for effort, but the
Haakon-Kristin duo would not capture mascot bragging rights from
America's Sam the Eagle.
In '96, Atlanta, Ga., kept America's mascot success going with the
introduction of Izzy, the strange and colorful 1996 Olympic mascot. As
the first computer-design mascot, Izzy was an odd mix of Olympic rings
and bright colors. The unusual creature sported a big smile and a snazzy
pair of sneakers, and he was 500 percent better than the previous two
mascots: the tired tiger cubs and sappy sheep dog. He was appropriately
named "Izzy" because of the phrase "what is it?"
America's Sam and Izzy would easily retain top honors thanks to Japan's
mascot choice for the 1998 Winter Olympic Games in Nagano. Japan
selected four brightly-colored snow owls, named "Sukki", "Nokki", "Lekki"
and "Tsukki." It was as if someone just gave up and said, "Just
pick any damn animal and use every color in the rainbow!"
In an effort to dethrone the U.S. as Olympic Mascot King, Australia
created the 2000 Olympic mascot trio -- Syd the Platypus; Millie the
Echidna; and Olly, the Kookaburra. Choosing three of the funniest
looking animals in the world was brilliant. The characters were cute,
creative and cool. They were also some of the best drawn characters, and
the Aussies didn't have to use the tired multi-colored theme.
Australia would have dethroned the United States if not for the Mormons.
Salt Lake City grabbed back mascot bragging rights during the 2002
Winter Olympic Games by featuring three decent animal mascots of their
own. Not only was the trio "cute, cuddly and cool," they had a message.
The Salt Lake City Olympic mascots reflected the Olympic motto, "Citius,
Altius, Fortius," which in English means, "Faster, Higher, Stronger."
With this in mind, the Olympic Committee choose a Snowshoe Hare, a
Coyote and a Black Bear. "Powder," the aptly-named bunny, was swift;
"Copper" the Coyote represented height; and "Coal," the American Black
Bear, represented strength. The mascots symbolized the American West
(How the Utes resisted the urge to dress them up in cowboy hats and
shit-kickers, we'll never know.).
Thanks to the United States and Australia, the Olympic Games had seen
three straight years of respectable mascots.
Thanks to Athens, the three-year run was obliterated.
In 2004, the Games were held in Athens, birthplace of the Olympics.
Celebrating the birthplace of the world's most prestigious athletic
event would have been a great time to bring in the Gods. Can you imagine
a Zeus mascot sporting rippling muscles and lighting bolts. At his side
would be the voluptuous Aphrodite (Goddess of Love) and a playful muse
or two. Instead, Athens offered us "Phevos and Athena," oddly-shaped
siblings inspired from a pair of 7th century Greek dolls found during
archaeological excavations. Not only was the brother-sister duo a flop,
the mascots looked like finger puppets gone bad.
As we look to the future of the Olympic Games, mascot history seems to
be repeating itself.
The 2006 Turin Olympics in Italy will feature "Neve and Gliz," cartoons
characters representing a ball of snow and a block of ice. Apparently, a
panel of judges selected the blue, square-headed "Gliz" to symbolize
ice, and "Neve" -- who is red -- is supposed to represent snow. Red
snow? Maybe Neve was mauled by a hungry polar bear. That would be cool,
and it would explain why the little guy's body is bright red.
With the sad little Powerpuff-like mascots Beijing will bring to town in
2008, it looks like the U.S. and Australia will share the Olympic mascot
title at least until 2010, when Vancouver will host the Winter Games.
If you recall, the last time Canada hosted the Olympics, their beaver
mascot bombed. This year, the Canadian Olympic Committee unveiled its
Olympic symbol, which features a colorful "inukshuk" (bless you).
An inukshuk is basically a bunch of rocks stacked in the shape of a
human. If Canada decides to carry that theme with a rock-like mascot,
America and Australia should remain in the winner's circle.
However, if Canada offers up a scantly-clad Canadian bikini model, we'll
gladly forfeit the title.
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